it's never good enough to feel fine

2005.03.19

ok, so lately, i've been really really self-concious-like. in the mornings when i'm getting ready, i always make sure i leave the house looking good. but as soon as i get to school, i worry; does this look good? is my hair alright, not all wavey-mess-like? do i have too much make-up on? not enough? not like i wear much, but sometimes, i just don't have confidence in the way i look. or i'll be real confident and happy all day, only to come home and look at myself and say, gosh, didn't know i looked like this all day.

so that's why i haven't felt like eating a lot lately. yea, i've been eating, no, i don't think i'm fat and could loose weight or anything like that. i just don't feel like eating. nothing appeals to me anymore.

another thing bothering me is the way people think of me. i get it a lot, the "samm, you're so perfect, you're smart, you're pretty, you're talented, blah blah blah." really, i don't think i am. ok, so i've got a 4.0 GPA, i know i'm not hideous (but there are definately people much prettier than me), and ok, i'm pretty good at music stuff. but what does that prove?
and as for the 4.0, i really don't think i deserve it. i don't work hard, i don't put much effort into anything, i'm not being challenged, i get overly bored in school.

     today's weather certainly knows how i feel. wet, cold, rainy, dreary, gray.

     so, in other words, i'm f i n e. F*cked-up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.

     anyways, i'll probably be calling lauren soon to see what we're doing about movies tonight. kyle, lauren, todd & i remind me of last year; the tyler, ren, andrew & me thing. the past has a weird way of repeating itself.

     see, now my stomach hurts from eating like 2 hours ago. this is retarded. much emptiness <3

                                  ::mélawen::